The John Report: The Raw Deal for August 24/09 (DX McMahon vs. Legacy)

Intros are overrated. Let’s get to the show. Here’s my recap of Sunday’s excellent Summerslam show: Thoughts on Summerslam 2009. Best PPV of the year. Read it.

Live from Las Vegas, Nevada (my favorite city in the world) here’s the Raw Deal…

We start with Randy Orton telling us that the “fan” that ran in during his overbooked match with Cena at Summerslam was Ted’s brother Brett. They obviously lied about him doing it on his own accord, but it’s okay because that’s what heels do. This was fine for an explanation. By the way, notice how Cody regurgitates everything Orton says while Ted has had some minor conflicts with Randy, which is a slow way of turning Ted by year’s end before Marine 2 comes out in December.

Happy 64th Birthday, Vince…with DX
Crazy old guy Vince comes out to talk about the Cena/Orton match from the night before. He tells us about the bad idea PPV, I mean the Breaking Point PPV, in September that will see the main events be submission matches. Then he announced Orton defending the title against Cena there in an “I Quit” match, which I guess means Orton doesn’t have to learn a submission move other than his chinlock. Just when you think Vince is about to be done, DX comes out. “I don’t like good guy Vince McMahon,” says Triple H. That’s ironic because I don’t like good guy Triple H. At least funny Triple H is better than the tough guy version that bored the hell out of us feuding with Orton. They do some jokes, then inform the world that it’s Vince’s birthday. “It’s Vince McMahon’s 84th birthday!” Then a chant of “Eighty Four.” That may be one of the greatest random chants ever by a crowd. I’m serious. That was something I’d expect a great crowd like New York, Toronto or Chicago to do, but Vegas? I’m impressed. He’s really 64. They marvel at him announcing his age on TV; I doubt he has admitted it on TV very often. The video package was pretty good with the seriousness early, then the joke stuff later. Plus, the “Stand Back” video always works for me as long as it’s not overused. They brought out presents for him. The Showgirls took forever, the Cirque guys were brutal although it led to the “those masks are gay” line by Vince, which was unintentionally great. I guess he’s lucky they weren’t in San Francisco. That was one of the worst Elvis’ impersonators I’ve ever seen, by the way. Then fat oily guy came out of the cake. Ugh. If it wasn’t for Big Dick Johnson showing up this would have been fine with me. As soon as the fat guy started dancing my reaction was: “Stop laughing, Michael Cole. Shut the hell up, please. It’s not laugh out loud funny. It’s overdone and ridiculous.” By the way, the guy dancing is on the WWE creative team, so if you’re a fan of bashing the creative team you should have cheered when Vince chucked him out of the ring. It was unintentionally hilarious seeing how long it took for them to get the girls out of the ring. Then just as they were preparing to embarrass Vince, Legacy came in. Michaels chased them off with a chair and we got our main event of the night with DX teaming with Vince against all three Legacy guys. Taking 27 minutes before the first commercial is too long because it means everything else would be rushed, but I did genuinely laugh at some of it. Triple H is a much more entertaining character in a comedic role while HBK is perfect with his mannerisms. I can understand people either really liking this segment or really hating it. It could go both ways. I think I liked most of it, but Cole’s brutal announcing ruined the end of it. It’s not him. It’s the direction.

The Miz d. Santino (1/4*)
Two minutes and it was over with Miz winning. I laughed at Santino’s offense. He’s such an enjoyable character. Miz made a promo saying he wants the US title. The same US title held by Kofi Kingston that was not defended at Summerslam or on Raw this week. But hey, the belt exists. We promise.

Ha, they bragged about Raw last week getting 1 million more viewers than a PRESEASON Monday Night Football game. In about three weeks when the regular season starts they won’t tell you about the ratings because MNF will double or triple them. And I’ll be watching MNF live. Don’t worry, though, I’ll keep writing The Raw Deal because I’ll be using the PVR for it. It might mean the column goes up later on Tuesdays, though.

Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes & Beth Phoenix d. Mickie James, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim (*)
Damn. I mean damn! All the girls looked nice, but Mickie’s skirt riding up on her reminded me of the good times when she always wrestled in the skirts. The girls wore training gear with MMA type gloves on their hands with only Mickie throwing really good punches. When it all broke down Alicia pinned Mickie. I’m fine with that because Alicia’s got skills and improves every time she’s out there. I’m disappointed that there were no shots of Mickie crouching on the floor after the match. You show the fat guy on the floor, but you don’t show Mickie in the same spot? Screw you director, you’re fired. Yes I’m a chauvinistic pig at times. What do you want from me? I watch men wrestle in their underwear for fuck sakes. Let me have my fun! Sorry ladies, I’m taken.

DX was backstage plugging the WCW DVD that is out today (I may get it). What was funny about this was there was a lot of background noise, which was reminiscent of some brutal WCW backstage segments over the years. They said they need Vince to be mad, so they had an idea. Then it cut to Jillian singing to Vince as Marilyn Monroe and he angrily tossed her out.

Big Show came out with Jericho. I like the new theme song mostly because the old one was pretty bad. Show said he wasn’t leaving the ring until Mayweather came out. Then Jericho gave the line of the night as his little buddy: “And no one can make me, either!” That ruled. I love this team. I’m happy that they chose Show to join Jericho because Show was losing his appeal, but they’re perfect together while they establish Punk as a top heel on Smackdown. Jericho can go back to singles next year if they really want to run with this until Mania time when Edge comes back. Guest host Floyd Mayweather Jr. came out to mostly boos with about 20 dudes. He got in Show’s face, then said they can’t fight because of his fight in September. Jericho spoke down to him, calling him “little man,” which was also awesome. MVP showed up at the ramp. He told Jericho to shut up. The crowd was really into MVP. Very nice to see that. He proposed that he if he and a partner could beat Jerishow tonight that they should get a title shot at the Breaking Point PPV. Floyd said sure, so out came MVP’s partner: Mr. Kool-Aid Mark Henry.

MVP & Mark Henry d. Chris Jericho & Big Show in a non-title match (**)
You know what was great about this match? Mark Henry was in there for like one minute. If you know he can’t work, why try to push a guy like that? Do people really like Kool-Aid that much? They beat on MVP for about 80% of the match. Mark Henry tagged in for like one minute before tagging MVP back in. Everything broke down a bit from there, then Mayweather (who was at ringside) handed MVP some brass knucks while the ref was dealing with Mark Henry. MVP drilled Jericho with the brass knucks, then chucked them outside and pinned him. The fans weren’t really supporting Mayweather, but raising MVP’s hands was good for him. I’m pleased with MVP pinning Jericho because I thought Henry would get to do it. Even though it was cheap because it was better than anything else he’s done in the last two or three months. Hopefully they can get a good singles match with Jericho/MVP out of this. Post mach with Show carrying Jericho over his shoulder was hilarious too. By the way, MVP and Mark Henry are not winning the belts.

Team Legacy had a meeting to say that Orton was going to take out Vince. It was alright.

Uh oh, here’s a video package. You know what this means…

Thanks to a reader Ashley for sending that along without me even asking for it. She, like me, is such a fan of this Chavowoggle feud that she had to use her artistic talents to honor it.

Hornswoggle d. Chavo via DQ in some boxing match (NR)
This was brutal again. Chavo had the big novelty gloves and took some shots. He threw them off, slammed Horny and went for the frog splash as the announcers switched to the SERIOUS VOICES~! That’s when Evan Bourne came out for the save. He hit the beautiful shooting star press to make everybody happy. I’d love it if Bourne was on Smackdown where they actually have matches. Hornswoggle’s incredible streak of singles wins continues. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him. Does this feud end now? I don’t know. I assume it will never end.

This week on Smackdown: CM Punk defends the belt against Jeff Hardy in a cage. Awesome. I’ll have a review of it on the weekend.

The best segment of the night was next with Vince practicing his boxing with Floyd Mayweather. He asks Floyd who would win in their prime, Vince or Muhammad Ali. Floyd says Vince because he has more money. Remind me to not ask Floyd to ever predict anything. Carlito came in complaining about not being on the show. DX came in, asked Vince if he was ready. Vince said no, he’s busy. Hunter said: “That’ll give me more time to get busy with your daughter!” See how much more enjoyable Hunter is when he’s funny? Vince was pissed with that and he accidentally decked Carlito with a punch. Carlito was out. I guess that mean Vince has the power of the punch like Big Show. Of course he does. I would too if I got to book my own show. Everybody was great here. Nice combination of being genuinely funny with a bit of cheesiness too.

DX McMahon d. Legacy in a No DQ Match (**3/4)
I really don’t like no DQ stips in tag matches. If it’s no DQ, why are the guys even standing on the apron? You can run in with weapons to beat the crap out of somebody, so why wouldn’t you just do that? Why would you wait on the apron to make a tag when there’s no risk of being disqualified? The whole point of the ropes in tag matches is to keep one or more people out of the ring, but in a no DQ scenario you’re hurting your team by standing on the apron because theoretically you could lose the match.

The story of the match was obvious with Michaels taking the beating because there’s nobody at doing better than that in a tag match. Hunter came in, hit the Pedigree on Rhodes and Vince tagged in for the pin. Then Randy came in. He went for the punt of death, HBK intercepted him and everybody cleared out with Orton going up the ramp. Cue Cena. He beat the crap out of Orton, hit the AA on Orton and that was it with Vince pinning him while the announcers mentioned again that it was no DQ to infuriate me. By the way, Vince pinned Orton even though Rhodes was technically legal. I know, I know, I’m being picky. I noticed it, so I felt I was obligated to share. Very satisfying ending to the show with the faces celebrating along with the boss. See kids, you two can have a great career in your life if you kiss the boss’ ass…or marry his daughter. Or both!

Three Stars of the Show
1. The “Eighty-four” chant.
2. “Those masks are really gay” said by Vince McMahon, chairman of a publicly traded company. Classy.
3. Mickie James and that wonderful outfit that she was wearing. Ah, the perks of HD.

And now for a bonus star section…

Three WORST Stars of the Show
1. Fat naked guy. Whatever they’re paying you, it’s not enough.
2. The director for showing fat naked oily guy on the floor while not showing Mickie on the floor later in the show.
3. Michael Cole for being Michael Fucking Cole. Stop fucking laughing! It’s vintage shit and I’m tired of it.

Rating: 5.5 (out of 10)
Last week: 6

I liked most of it. As you can tell from my writing, I’m a big fan of comedy being used in wrestling and when it’s used right it’s great. Most of the comedy on this show was above average for a typical Raw. I welcome that…I also like seeing two tag matches getting a significant amount of time that allowed them to tell a good story in the ring…It’s upsetting that there was no sign of Kofi Kingston or Jack Swagger on the show. Not only should those guys be on every Raw, but they should be on every PPV too (Swagger was at SSlam while Kofi was not). Being on Superstars isn’t nearly as productive…The announcing gets worse every week with the ridiculous over the top laughter. I don’t know how the people that are producing them can think it adds to the broadcast. It hurts way more than it helps…You can also question what good is accomplished when a 64 year old non-wrestler is pinning the 29 year old world champion that is a cornerstone for the company’s future. I know it was a one time thing, though, so it’s not like I’m going to rip it apart…While it lacked a really good match that Smackdown typically has, both tag matches were above average from what we usually see. I can get used to that…Guest host next week? No idea as of yet.

One last thing. To Shawn Michaels, thanks for coming back to the Raw ring. You were missed. Big time.

Thoughts from the Facebook friends
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. I will put some additional, usually very sarcastic comments of my own when necessary in brackets following the quotation marks:

“Ooooo something new, DX confronting Vinnie Mac…oh wait.”

“Really Vince? We don’t know what’s going to happen tonight? Like Chavo vs Hornswoggle part 13?” (Thanks for spoiling it, jerk!)

“Are we now suppose to forget that Triple H was willing to go to the end of the Earth to get to Orton because he screwed with his family, Vince included?” (Yep. Glad you understand.)

“DX t-shirt-$15, random WWE DVD-$20, the look on Mr. McMahon’s face when you say happy birthday to him-priceless.”

“Old, Crazy, Incoherent…..TNA’s main event scene?” (Well played.)

“MAE YOUNG I’M calling it.” (You lose.)

“Here comes Big Dick Johnson.” (You win?)

“Vince saying something about this taking too long, and Triple H reminding him that it’s his show and he doesn’t care. That was classic.”

“DO you think one of the ‘voices’ in Randy Orton’s head will tell him how to do a submission move other then a damn chin-lock at Breaking Point?”

“Miz looks as mean as my Mum.” (Thanks for posting, Shane McMahon. Yes he spells it the British way. Who are you to judge?)

“I guess Santino wasnt Jack Bauer enough last week, back to jobber status.”

“Ass shot of Mickie = Immediate 10 out of 10 rating.”

“(As Michael Cole) ‘Vintage Mickie James’ Ass there King!'”

“Oh Mickie, you’re so fine! You’re so fine, I wish you were mine! Sorry John :-)” (Hey, it’s not like I want to marry her.)

“Save us Y2J from this train wreck of a raw and why does the Big Show look like Grimace?” (He likes McDonald’s?)

“Jericho is so funny as a little guy hanging with a bully…And I’m not leaving ethier line was classic…man he is great.”

“How many in Mayweathers entourage when he comes out? 20?”

“Floyd Mayweather and 20 members of the Wayans family…” (Whattup Damon! I loved In Living Color. James Carrey anyone?)

“MVP is killing it on the mic AGAIN!”

“MVP vs Jericho in a war of words…awesome…and dont talk about my friend Big Show like that…lol “

“Hey mvp, if you’re such good friends with Mayweather, why not ask for just a title shot? Not an oppurtunity…kinda pointless…”

“In order to earn that shot MVP, you’ll have to help Floyd hide the evidence…” (Lots of good Mayweather gun jokes, this one was tops.)

“MVP just got demoted to ‘D’Lo Brown’ on Raw…if his head starts wobbling I’m done…” (Maybe he could buy tampons at a store. Wow, that was a reference for ya.)

“We got the battle of the giant food-a-likes, Kool Aid Man vs The Incredible Grape…..with MVP and Jericho.” (Show could be called the California Raisin. It was popular in the 80s.)

“Mark Henry and MVP vs. Chris Jericho and Big Show. This has to be the most racist Raw so far.” (Are you kidding? Racism is a weekly feature.)

“Good match, more poor refereeing… How long did Charles Robinson take to tell Kool-Aid to stay where he is on the apron? How did that conversation go? ‘Stay there Mark. Right there. Exactly where you’re standing. Don’t make me tell you again. That’s where you’re supposed to be. Not in here, right out there. Do it. Do it now.'” (Hey, I’ve got a facebook friend that reads lips!)

“I say MVP wins the Royal Rumble…” (And I’ve got a facebook friend that is a heavy drug user. Hey Jeff Hardy, nice match at Summerfest.)

“That is teamwork, carrying your partner out! Love Jerishow.”

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP THE FUCKING INSANITY ALREADY IT STOPPED BEING FUNNY BEFORE IT EVER STARTED!” (The Chavowoggle feud has captured the imagination of all fans.)

“First they make us watch a replay, then this? And Michael Cole has the audacity to call it ‘entertainment at it’s greatest!?’ That SOB.”

“I never want to see Hornswoggle in a muscle shirt and boxing shorts EVER again!!”

“Oh crap…Bourneswoggle.”

“Star of the night: Fan who yelled Hornswoggle sucks. You can bet that this guy wasn’t a plant. I don’t care about the other 2 stars of the night this guy made the show. (OK John, Mickie’s ass also made it.)” (Mickie has a nice ass? I have noticed.)

“Carlito needs to be careful what he asks for…he wants a match, but he could be demoted to putting over the leprechaun.”

“Raw n 3-D! Never mind, that’s Final Destination. That would be nice name for a finisher! (Resisting urge to make another sexual reference to Mickie…)

“MVP – ‘Me and the Hot Rod have some partying to do.’ MVP, Please, take the keys first!”

“OMG double vintage by Cole.”

“King just said vintage Randy Orton…it’s catching on.”

“‘Vintage’ is a disease that must be stopped, and it’s first victim: Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler.” (Oh the humanity!)

“So we have a group whose average age is around 48 beat a group whose average age is around 25-26…I wonder why Vince thinks he can’t build new stars???”

“Isn’t the department called the creative team? How is recalling a stable that has already come back multiple times creative? But there I go using my brain.” (See, I’m encouraging people not to use that brain thing. You’re welcome, Vince.)

“Awesome show.1/4 of it was a middle-aged DX calling Vince old. At least Miz had a good match. Wait, he didn’t. At least the guys in their 40’s didn’t beat the young athletic guys. Oh, that happened too. Well, the Divas looked nice.”

“I invited friends over tonight to watch RAW and play poker, and they were more interested in COUNTING CHANGE than watching the first hour of RAW. These are HARDCORE wrestling fans, counting change rather than watching your product.” (Thanks for posting, Bernie Madoff. You’ve come a long way from swindling billions, haven’t you?)

We’ll do the same thing every week. I’m not putting in names to protect the people, but join the facebook page and throw your comments in after Raw and it could show up in the column. While I won’t only post funny stuff, I would suggest the funnier you make your comment(s) the better. I post this Tuesday afternoons so get in there and join the fun.

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I appreciate any feedback you guys can give so please send me your thoughts at [email protected] about anything related to WWE past or present. If you add me on facebook (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) you’ll see the links to my columns as well because I post them there just as soon as I post them on this website. I’ve added something like 500 people there in the last month. Let’s keep it going. The discussion is fun. I might join the Twitter world soon.

I never got around to doing my historical Summerslam piece. Too many enjoyable things outside for me lately. I don’t think I’ll get around to finishing it because it was only about 1/5th of the way done. I am working on a big project that’s going to cover the entire WWE roster. It’s something of a back to school theme for the month of September. It might be a few weeks, but I promise it will get done.

See you on the weekend for the Talking Smack column covering the return of The Undertaker and what is likely Jeff Hardy’s last appearance for a while with a CM Punk/Jeff Hardy cage match main event. Giddy up.

Smell ya later,
John Canton – [email protected]
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